Cats (2019)

Written by Lee Hall & Tom Hooper

Directed by Tom Hooper

Presenting, perhaps the joke I am most proud of:

Who wore it better: Grizabella or Hermione?

Okay. Where do I start with this film? And what do I say that hasn’t already been said? Do I talk about the awful CGI? The bizarre casting choices? The sheer, unmitigated gall of the creators to inflict this onto the general public?

Or do I talk about how, despite all of this, and my own extremely low expectations, I still am horribly fascinated by this utterly insane fever dream of a film? Because yes, this film is amazing for all the wrong reasons and I am borderline obsessed with it.

First of all, I do have to ask, why Cats? There already exists a pretty good filmed version from 1998 that captures, as best it can, a somewhat immersive theater experience. So why film Cats again? Also, there are so many better musicals that are in need of a film adaptation (SIT DOWN, WICKED, I’M TALKING ABOUT RAGTIME OR HAMILTON); why waste this one on a show that 1) most people claim to hate (despite not having seen it, or have seen clips out of context), and 2) has already been filmed? It doesn’t make sense.

Now, having said that, if they HADN’T made this film, we wouldn’t have the horrific trainwreck that is Cats, and our lives would be a little less complete.

Francesca Hayward in the newly-starring role of Victoria

There are some legitimate redeeming values to the film. The choreography, when it isn’t being performed by Boneless Gumby Feline People, is really quite good. The production design is clever, even if the scale adamantly refuses to remain consistent, even within the same scene. There’s also a missed opportunity to pull a Chicago-esque conceit of the universe being the human world filtered through a cat’s perspective (there’s a billboard that magically changes from “Moriarty” to “Macavity” near the start, but that’s the only hint of this idea). And, generally, the updated orchestrations are really great, although why Andrew Lloyd Webber completely recomposed “Mungojerrie and Rumpletezer”, making it MUCH more boring, is simply beyond me.

Dame Judi Dench…who did you anger in a past life?

But those positives pale in comparison to literally everything else in this film. I do have to say, I’m incredibly impressed that director Tom Hooper (whose Les Misérables is not without fault (RUSSELL CROWE), but is generally a pretty good film adaptation of a 1980’s British stage musical) was able to secure the cast of A-Listers that he did (although later hearing and seeing those A-Listers desperately try to distance themselves from the film has been immensely enjoyable). It’s sad, then, that none of them are all that GOOD. Taylor Swift plays Taylor Swift As A Cat, a role that I did not need, and still don’t want (sorry to all of Swift’s fans). Judi Dench (sorry, DAME Judi Dench) gets the maternal aspect of her gender-swapped Old Deuteronomy right, but her singing voice...exists? Like, she’s not AWFUL, but I wasn’t blown away.

I HAVE AN OSCAR, DAMNIT

I was moderately impressed by Jennifer Hudson, although, for the love of the Heavyside Layer, somebody PLEASE get her a Kleenex for that line of snot that spends the entire film dribbling out of her right nostril. Projected onto the big screen, it got to the point that I wanted to go take a shower because I felt so unclean. One issue I had with Hudson (which is probably more Hooper’s fault than hers) is, there’s a moment where her entire motivation (to rejoin the tribe of Jellicles) is thrown away without explanation (newcomer Francesca Hayward’s Victoria (side note: she spends the ENTIRE film with a single facial expression) offers her a welcome, which Hudson’s Grizabella rebuffs), and then returns the next time we see her. It’s like the movie was edited piecemeal, with no assurance of continuity between the parts.

Just…WHY???

And then there’s the CGI. I guess I understand where they were trying to go, but it’s probably the biggest non-train-related train wreck I’ve ever seen. I do want to point out that this is probably a great example of why filmmaking to a release date, as opposed to filmmaking to a final product, is an awful idea. The CGI really faults in the details (Rebel Wilson (UGH) wears a collar that, at times, doesn’t move with her body and ‘cuts’ into her neck). The design of the cats is...unique, but more importantly: WHY DO THE COCKROACHES HAVE LITTLE HUMAN FACES? THESE THINGS ARE THE STUFF OF NIGHTMARES.

Overall, this film ultimately lends itself to group viewings, a la Rocky Horror Picture Show, or, if you truly hate your liver, a drinking game. See this movie. Please. Go into it, like I did, with an extremely low bar. See this movie, and marvel at the fact that no one, at any point, from conception to release, thought to say, “What the everliving hell IS this??”

FINAL GRADE: Listen, I normally give a standard letter grade here, but this movie flies in the face of all conventional wisdom, so...I feel like I really need a letter outside of the human language to assign to this. Let’s just say: