The Sword in the Stone (1963)

Written by Bill Peet
Directed by Wolfgang Reitherman

The Sword in the Stone is a film that, to be honest, I can’t remember if I’ve seen the whole thing. I know I’ve seen parts of it, but I really can’t recall if I’d seen it in its entirety before. Well, now I have.

And that was enough.

I know I get get overly-dramatic in these reviews, as a joke. I usually don’t 100% mean what I’m saying. But, in this case, I do: I really don’t need to ever watch this again, ever.

I don’t even know where to start this review. I can’t find a single redeeming quality about the film. The art is messy (see: my review for One Hundred and One Dalmatians). The music isn’t catchy. The plot is a mess. And the characters are unlikeable.

*le sigh*

This moment it legitimately five minutes until the end of the film

Let’s focus on the latter two, Plot and Character. What, exactly, is the plot? The film just...starts, with no explanation as to WHY Merlin is so hell-bent on teaching Wart. It just happens. And Wart never really stops and asks why, he just goes along with it. Merlin is also supposed to be the greatest wizard around, yet conveniently doesn’t use it when it would help (he could fix that issue with his tower in a heartbeat, if he wanted). But, the biggest problem with the plot is, there’s no driving problem. A good film has a central problem at its premise: the One Ring has to be destroyed. The Rebels need to blow up the Death Star. Harry must defeat Voldemort. The Sword in the Stone has, as its central problem...nothing. There’s no over-arcing problem that needs solving. Instead, the film feels like a series of loosely related vignettes that try too hard (and fail) at sentimentality, with the title object coming back into play in, literally, the last five minutes. It’s as if the filmmakers remembered the title of their own film at the eleventh hour and quickly tacked it on.

Disney fans are OBSESSED with this character and I DO NOT KNOW WHY

The characters don’t fare any better. Wart is wishy-washy, Merlin is inconsistent (“I won’t help you! You need to do this on your own!” (Five minutes later) “I’ll help with the dishes, no one will need to know that you had help!”), Madam Mim is an ENORMOUS waste of time, and Archimedes is annoying as hell.

It may sound like I’m ranting, and for once, I am. I am so severely disappointed in this movie, that I, unfortunately, have to give it the lowest grade I can.

FINAL GRADE: F