M*A*S*H (1970)

Written by Ring Lardner Jr.

Directed by Robert Altman

1998 List Ranking: 56

2007 List Ranking: 54

I’ve known about M*A*S*H for a very long time: when I was in rehearsals for Oliver! at the ripe old age of 6 at my local community theater, they were doing performances of a stage version. I’ve never seen full episodes of the television series, but I’ve seen (and heard) the iconic intro, as well as a few scenes here and there. I’ve known for a long time that the series was based on this film, so it was with some interest (but not much background) that I approached it.

I really, really, REALLY hated this film. I’m gonna chalk it up to just not being the target audience for this film (more on that in a moment), but I found this film to be one of the worst on this list, so far.

Football? I guess?

M*A*S*H stands for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital and depicts a medical unit during the Korean War (but actually standing in for the Vietnam War). Two new surgeons, Hawkeye and Duke, arrive at the camp and immediately cause trouble and mayhem. They conflict with more straight-laced military personnel and encourage others to engage in their antics. And…that’s about it. There’s a football game? For some reason? I don’t know. It’s allegedly a comedy, although I didn’t utter so much as a small chuckle.

A “Last Supper” being held for a man who is contemplating suicide because he thinks he might be gay. Funny, right?!

I’m going to try not to do a lot of ALL CAPS RAGE YELLING in this review, but good lord I am already tempted. I really, truly, could not stand this film. First off, I know it shouldn’t annoy me as much as it does, but what is the PLOT? It took me TWENTY MINUTES to write that meager plot summary above because NOTHING HAPPENS. Now, I fully get the irony of complaining about lack of plot when I consider Cats to be a guilty pleasure, but I kept waiting for something to happen in this film, and nothing really does. You could tell me that the film is merely a selection of episodes from the TV series stitched together and I would 100% be convinced.

Donald Sutherland as Hawkeye, making the same face I made throughout the film

There’s also a motivation issue, in that, why am I motivated to care about these people? They aren’t near any actual combat, so the conflict just arises from camp situations, all of which stem from Hawkeye and Duke being exhaustingly annoying. I was excited to watch Donald Sutherland as Hawkeye, but I feel so underwhelmed by his performance, least of all because his characterization never changes. I’m all for consistency, but I don’t recall a single scene in which he behaves any differently than in the rest of the film. We learn nothing about who these people are, and therefore we have no reason to care. Why are Hawkeye and Duke so anarchic? SHAME ON YOU FOR WANTING TO KNOW, NOW WATCH THEM SEXUALLY HARASS YET ANOTHER WOMAN. LAUGH, DAMN IT!!

THIS poor woman gets completely exposed to the entire camp during a shower and yet she doesn’t file a single sexual harassment charge (actually, with no scenes explaining why, she goes from hating the camp and everyone in it to being head cheerleader at the climatic football game)

I also just didn’t connect with anything in the film. I’ve never served in the military (nor ever had any desire to do so). The final act of the film revolves around a football game (for reasons I couldn’t even begin to explain), so the film combines the military and sports. Call me stereotypical, but I have no interest in either. Perhaps that’s why I found no humor in this film: I’m not a guy that’s gonna get off on rampant sexism, the idea of blowing stuff up, or any type of sports. Therefore, I found nothing in the film to be relevant to me and so was bored to tears. Also, that rampant sexism? I mentioned it already, but it’s AWFUL and it’s EVERYWHERE. Perhaps 50 years ago, this was considered okay, but today? It’s cringeworthy and intensely problematic. I suppose I should understand it as being a product of its time, but OOF.

I could go on and on, but I’ll cut this highly negative review short and leave it at this: I found absolutely zero redeeming qualities of this film. And, after a week, I’ve yet to find anything that suggests just why this film should be included on this list. It was (bizarrely) popular and spawned an extremely popular television series, but for the life of me, I just don’t understand why. I never like failing a film, but this film absolutely deserves it.

FINAL GRADE: F